Get Real: Men and Commitment in Relationships

Q: Dear April,
I think the man I'm with is stringing me along. We've dated on and off for eleven months and have slept together, etc. Yet we are not what I'd call a real boyfriend and girlfriend kind of couple. Although he says he's not seeing anyone else, and I'm not either, we only get together once or twice a week. Do you think he’s just waiting for Miss Right to come along? How can I get him to become more serious?

Thanks,
Ready to Get Real

A: Dear Ready to Get Real,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but even more than that, I hate to keep the truth a secret. And in this case, honey, the truth will hurt!

When a man is ready to commit—as a boyfriend or husband—you will know it because he will simply start acting in that role. He will talk about your future together and he will make plans accordingly. He will introduce you to his family and friends. He will not only call you daily, but he’ll want to tell you the details of his day, and have a desire to hear about yours. A man that wants to be in a committed relationship acts like he wants to be in one.

On the other hand, a man who is not ready to be committed behaves, well...a lot like your guy, Ready to Get Real, and I think you know it. I think, what you’re really wondering is what you can do about it. Can you somehow get him to change his mind, or get him to want you more? Can you give him an ultimatum or make him see the error of his ways?

I say...probably not. If your guy’s own version of the biological clock isn’t telling him it’s time to commit, there’s absolutely no point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you’ll be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he’ll only end up resenting you for it, or worse—cheating or leaving. As soon as there’s the first bump in the road, he’ll point to the pressure you applied, with a "See, I knew I wasn’t ready" retort.

Men are, by their very nature, the pursuers, the aggressors, the hunters. You would not expect a fish to jump out of the water and start walking on land, so don‘t expect a man to stop being a man. If a man is in love with you he will want to be with you, he will want to spend time with you, and he definitely will not want to lose you to another man. Threats and will not work—neither does reversing the male and female roles, with you asking him to commit or marry you, even if he does agree. I wholeheartedly believe a man must believe he has won the prize (i.e.—you) in every sense of the word. If you ask a man to marry you, he doesn’t have to win you—he has not won anything. You, in fact, have made him the prize! And you, more likely than not, will pay for it in the long run.

It could be as simple as the insecurity you’ll feel, always wondering if he really loves you or if he would really rather be with someone else. Or it could an even more painful scenario—he leaves you for another woman, perhaps not even one as attractive or successful as you, but one he picks out, one he pursues, and on he "wins" on his own.

So, what can you do, Ready to Get Real? There’s only one answer: Start dating other men...immediately! It may have the side effect of making the guy you’re currently "seeing" realize that he really does love you, was taking you for granted, etc., but that’s not why you’ll be doing it. You’ll be dating because your current guy is not worth wasting your time on. You’ll be doing it because you deserve a man who is willing to put it all on the line for you. Someone who knows how great you are without your having to tell them. Someone who will want to see you every night of the week—and will never make you wonder whether they’re waiting for Ms. Right, because they know you’re it!

Curious about how to get started your new dating life started? Visit my online magazine, www.AskApril.com where you’ll find tons of useful tips and articles about dating from a man’s perspective, sex, and everything in between. And if you’re really ready to get serious about finding an amazing man, sign up for my workshop, Think and Date Like a Man. It would be perfect for you, and any other women out there who are tired of complaining about the lack of available good men, and ready to start dating the best!

April Masini