Women and Foreplay

Q: Dear April,
All I hear about when it comes to sex is how guys don't engage in enough foreplay with women. Can you give me some advice on what women like the most to warm them up for sex?

Signed,
Foreplay Focused

A: Dear Foreplay Focused,
When it comes to sex, too many guys tend to worry about the wrong things, like size and stamina, and neglect to focus enough energy on the right things. What are the "right things"? Well, at the top of the list is one thing that happens (or that should happen) before sex even begins—foreplay! Probably more than any other aspect of sex, these pre-intercourse activities are what really gets a girl going. In fact, in one study, more than 700 nurses reported that lack of foreplay was the highest ranked reason for an inability to reach orgasm!

Foreplay may not be what you think.
Okay, maybe it's not that you're focusing on the wrong things, but rather, you're not even clear about what the right thing—foreplay—really is. Here's a question that will help gauge your level of understanding:

Foreplay is...
A) What happens after the clothes come off, but before intercourse
B) Kissing, caressing, and petting
C) Connecting with her emotionally for a significant amount of time prior to sex
D) None of the above
E) All of the above...and more

If you answered "E", you're right on the money. Foreplay is e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that comes before intercourse, whether physical or not.

What's a guy to do?
If foreplay is everything, you might be left to wonder where to begin. I say, there's no better place to start than, well...right at the beginning. In this case, that's the moment you set eyes on one another for the evening. Here's a five-step plan to get you (and most importantly, her) ready.

1. Connect—Without being too overt, you want to try and "connect" with her. Nothing is more important to a woman. This connection can be as simple as asking her how her day was...and really listening to her response. Or, try telling her that you were thinking about her today, and missed her. Nothing too over-the-top, but still honest and caring.
2. Be Intimate—Being intimate does not have to mean being sexual. Show her that you know the difference by asking probing questions and giving her more than one-word answers when she asks you the same. Confide in her things you don't normally tell people, and let it be known that you appreciate her listening.
3. Be Physical—Here, too, being physical does not mean "being sexual". Hold her hand, rub her shoulders, squeeze her leg—do anything to simply make contact...without mauling her, of course.
4. Kiss—Okay, now we can move into the part you've been waiting for. But not any kiss will do. Despite what many of you men apparently believe, we women do not like to have a lot of tongue action right away. Start with a dry, soft kiss, and pay attention to whether or not she's digging it. If she is, you can progress from there with a bit more passion and gusto, but always be aware of whether she's reciprocating. A great trick is to mimic her kissing style, as it's surely a sign of what she likes!
5. Heavy Petting—From the time you began kissing her until now, the "heavy petting" stage, there should be some time lapse. How long will depend on how hot and bothered you both get. But let it be said that the longer and slower you go, the more experienced you'll seem, and the more into it she'll be.

When to say when
So, you think you've got foreplay down now. You've wined and dined her, talked and listened, kissed...and more. But how do you know when it's time to move on and actually have sex? Well, if she doesn't tell you, and if your own judgement isn't too be trusted, just refer to the clock (though you better not let her catch you looking)—17 minutes has been deemed the most desirable amount of time by sexually experienced women!

Ready for even more fantastic sex tips and bold dating advice? Visit my Web site, www.AskApril.com. There, you'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also sign up for one of my workshops. There's one just right for you!

April Masini