Q:Dear April,
I'm a successful woman with a lot of friends, and a good life. I'm also...big, and am afraid my size is starting to cause problems for me. I mean, I'm not huge by any means, but I do have some meat on my bones. And in all honesty, I never really had a problem with it. I have a pretty face, and have always had a boyfriend. I guess that I'm just starting to not feel very sexy anymore, and am wondering whether you think there are men out there who aren't into the super skinny look.
Signed,
Botticelli Beauty
A: Dear Botticelli Beauty,
Let's face it, being anything over a size four isn't easy. Whether you're flipping through the TV channels or through the pages of a favorite magazine, you're likely to be inundated with pictures of skinny, tiny, even emaciated-looking girls who are supposed to represent the ultimate in sexiness...even as our society becomes increasingly large. So it's no wonder that it can be hard to feel good about yourself—to feel sexy—when so much of what you're confronted with says you aren't. But take heart: Much of what we're told is "sexy" is anything but.
What sexy is not
Just like I believe women spend too much time and money shopping for clothes and accessories that ultimately only impress other women and not the men in their lives (ask yourself whether your man cares about seeing you in that new Prada bag you just blew the budget on or a cute piece of lingerie and you'll know what I mean), so too are we consumed with images of what other women find sexy.
Women find the super tall, super skinny models in fashion magazines sexy. Women want to look like the equivalent of a human hanger so that clothes fit them "just so". Women want to be straight as a board so they can squeeze into the perfect pair of jeans. But unless you're playing for the "home team", why should you care what women find sexy? Or more importantly: When are you going to start caring more about what men find sexy?
What sexy is
Regardless of your shape or size, it is your job as a woman to be concerned with what your man finds sexy—and to try your best to arouse and satisfy those desires. You can roll your eyes all you want, but that is part—a big part—of being in and maintaining your relationship.
Fortunately for many of us, most men do not find the tall, gangly, long-limbed, straight-hipped, flat-chested catwalkers of the world sexy. Just look at any men's magazine, and you'll see what they do desire: boobs, back, and a little meat to hold on to. Think less Linda Evangelista and more J Lo and you'll get the idea.
Being sexy
But sexiness isn't just a look, it's a state of mind, too. In other words, if you don't think you're sexy, it's not likely that anyone else will. So to get yourself feeling your sexiest, I've provided my top five tips to jumpstart your sexometer—all of which are designed to help you both feel and look better.
Accentuate the positive—If you haven't figured out by now what your most beautiful, seductive parts are, it's time you did, and started showing them off, too. Whether it's a bountiful chest, creamy skin, or a great rear, make sure your style highlights it...whatever the "it" may be.
Exercise—Not only does exercise provide you with the benefits of burning fat and adding muscle, but more importantly, it's a genuine mood and libido elevator. Just get moving, and you'll feel better about yourself and your body.
Wear form-fitting clothes—Though the desire to hide in comfy sweats is an understandable one (especially when we're feeling "larger than life"), it's an urge that must be fought. The truth is that you're not hiding anything...except how hot you can be.
Flirt—Even if you've already got a man at home, a little harmless flirting never hurt anyone, but it can give you an ego boost like you wouldn't believe. So put on your cutest number, head out for a night with the girls (or even to the supermarket if that's all you can do), and bat a few eyelashes at the cutest guy in the place.
Mimic—Sometimes you just have to "fake it until you make it". So if you're still not feeling sexy, flip open a popular men's magazine, and do your best to mimic the hair, makeup, and outfit of its featured centerfold. I bet that you'll be surprised by how close you can get...and you'll realize that part of actually being sexy is just creating the illusion of sexiness!
A word to the wise
Now that we've explored the difference between what women and men think are sexy, and looked at five quick ways to get back in the game, we've got to address one more point. A point that, for some of you, may be more difficult to hear, but I hope you'll listen nonetheless.
Ladies, many men may prefer you have a little meat on your bones, and some "junk in the trunk", but if you've got more than a little meat and you can't even close the door to your trunk there's so much junk in it, that's another story.
We have to be realistic about men. For better or worse, they are visual creatures. To ask anything else of them is futile, and a waste of your time. That's not to say they won't love and care about you if you're overweight, but they may have difficulty remembering, or being able to see, that you're sexy. So for the sake of them, your relationship, and ultimately yourself, taking care of any weight issues that are excessive is a must…and one more way to step on the path to becoming your most sexy self!
And for even more great tips and advice about how to become the sexiest, most desirable you, visit my site www.AskApril.com. There, you'll find articles, fun, interactive quizzes, and giveaways. And if you're really serious about finding, dating, and marrying the successful man of your dreams, sign up for my workshop, Think & Date Like a Man! And definitely be on the lookout for my new book—this time, it's for women only, and is guaranteed to get you closer to your ideal guy than you've ever been before!
April Masini
About the Author
Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?
Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.
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