The "Nice Guy" Syndrome

By Perry Rose
You've heard all about how "nice guys" finish last, that most women are more attracted to the "jerks" and "bad boys." There are A LOT of men out there who think that women are more attracted to theses kinds of men. Yes, there are women out there like that. But, why is this? What is the REAL answer behind this subject on "nice guys?" If you have a problem in this area, or you just want to know the reasoning behind this, read on.

First of all, let's begin by stating that there are not that many women who are attracted to the jerks or the bad boys. This is just something that is blown way out of proportion; greatly exaggerated. It just seems that way. Reading about this time after time after time on the Internet and in magazines and books just adds to the exaggeration, making it seem like that there are A LOT of women who are attracted to the jerks and bad boys. It's a form of brainwashing. After so many times of reading and hearing it, men, too many, then begin to believe it.

Also, to add to this, too many men run into too many women who don't have a good head on their shoulders. They are indecisive, flighty and flaky. These guys are then brought even further into the idea that all women aren't attracted to nice guys but just the jerks. Well, it just ain't so. If these guys dated and / or hung out with quality women, who know what they want, do you think that these guy's mindset would be the same?

Another thing to think about is this: It doesn't matter if you act like a jerk to her or not, hoping that this will somehow make you more appealing to her...If she isn't attracted to you in the first place! This jerk you always hear or read about can still have problems attracting some women. It's because...HE ISN'T HER TYPE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER HE IS A JERK OR NOT. He himself may think he might attract more women if he stops being a jerk to them. Ironic, isn't it?

Here is where this myth can be cleared up: She doesn't want a doormat. She doesn't want a guy who is TOO nice (wishy washy). She wants him to be a little cocky, bratty and obnoxious, like a man should be. She wants a nice, and especially funny guy, but one who also acts like a man.

In other words...
  1. He isn't needy and clingy; wishy washy. He doesn't get pussy whipped. He wants that relationship with her, but he will also leave her at any time if she doesn't get rid of the attitude. He can take and leave them at any time.
  2. He has no problem telling a beautiful woman to kiss his ass if she is acting like a bitch with an attitude, whether she is a stranger or not.
  3. He doesn't do everything a woman asks him to do. She is not ALWAYS right.
  4. He gives her hell once in a while, he tells her what he thinks when she does dumb things...but, he does it in moderation, and in a constructive way.
  5. He makes his own decisions in his life. He is not indecisive.
  6. He doesn't let people walk over him, even his boss. He will tell his abusive boss to shove it, and he will then go get another job, even if it means moving to another town or city. He is a confident, take-charge kind of a man, like a man should be.
What woman likes a wimpy doormat? Women want a man who has a combination of being a little cocky, bratty and have a take-charge attitude and...being nice and funny. She wants all these qualities, not a doormat. You can be a bit of a cocky rebel like Sean Penn, humorous like Jerry Seinfeld, silly like Jim Carrey and nice, like you usually are, all in one package. Many nice guys don't do this...that so many women find attractive in men. That's why they are more attracted to the bad boys and the jerks. The women are attracted to these types of men because these men are a bit of a rebel, they are cocky, they speak their mind, and they don't bend over backwards for women, or for people in general. They act manly. But, the downside for the women is that many of these guys are too much like jerks, and they treat women poorly.

You want to have the whole package that she wants, but don't abuse it to the point where it makes you look like you have these scary multiple personalities and / or mood swings. It's hard to explain how to do a little of each, so we hope you understand what we mean.

Also, here's another confusion: Women say they want a man to be sensitive, but when he is, it turns her off. It isn't because she doesn't know what she wants, like so many men think of women, it's because you, as a man, don't understand them.

When women say that, what they mean is that they want him to be sensitive...to her feelings, to understand what she is saying, and to listen to her. It's not about being emotional, like crying at a sad movie.

Why Do Some Women Stay With A Jerk / Bad Boy Who Doesn't Treat Her Right?

Here's yet another confusing thing men want an answer to...why would a woman stay with a man who doesn't treat her right, or he is that bad boy / jerk with an attitude?

It's because of one of two things, or both:
  • She is hoping she can change that part in him. She is hoping she can get him to stop acting like a jerk, yet he still retains those qualities a man should have.
  • She thinks that if he leaves, he may change and treat the other woman better. Yes, #2 is true. Many, not all, women do believe that. The chances are too high that he won't change, but many women will hold on to hope. He may very well change, but again, the chances are too great that he won't.
Now, what if she can't stop him from being a jerk, and to be nicer but she STILL wants to be with him? You have to question a woman who is like that. A woman with a good head on her shoulders will just leave if she knows she can't change that part in him. Think about it...if she stays in a rotten relationship with a jerk, isn't this just a red flag waiving that tells you she is not quite right in the head? Why would you want to be with a woman like this, other than for a one-night stand? If she has the kind of character that has her being with jerks, WHAT ELSE IS WRONG WITH HER? This kind of a woman is not worth spending ANY quality time with.

Even the "jerks" and "bad boys" will eventually drop her for another woman because there are other bad, neurotic qualities about her. Her being attracted to the wrong men is just a red flag waiving that there are other bad qualities about her that even a jerk and bad boy would have him dropping her before too long.

What Does It Really Mean When She says, "You're A Nice Guy"?

If you watch dating shows, you probably seen where the woman says to her date, "You're a nice guy...." Then, after the date, the host of the shows says, "Uh-oh. ... The dreaded nice guy line." Again, this is something that is blown way out of proportion. It's as if this happens all the time.

But, what exactly does it mean when a woman, who isn't attracted to you in that way says that to you? Would your immediate thought be of, "I need to stop acting like such a nice guy!" That's the typical thought. But, that doesn't make sense. All you were doing is being nice to her, like she was doing to you. You paid attention to what she was saying, you asked her questions, to get to know her, and you were the gentleman women like. So why do so many men feel that they have to stop acting like that??? You didn't do anything wrong, IF...you didn't act OVERLY nice, try to overly impress her, and you had an attitude that you do want to get to know her, but if it doesn't work out, there is always another woman to take her place.

Here's something else most men don't get:

When a woman, who isn't interested in you in that way says that you are a nice guy, it means EXACTLY just that. You ARE a nice guy, but she isn't interested in you in that way. You just weren't her type, that's all. Also, when a woman says this to a guy, it's just something to say to him. It's sort of like when a man says to a woman, "I'll call you," when he isn't interested in her. ... It's just something to say. And when they say to each other at the end of the date, "Talk to you later." Will they really talk later? Did a light bulb suddenly come on in your head?

Here's one last thing to think about:

Hasn't there ever been a woman you weren't interested in? How about that coworker or neighbor who could be interested in you, but you aren't the least bit interested in her? Is it really that big of a deal when one person of the opposite sex isn't attracted to another?

Why Do Nice Guys, Supposedly, Get Dumped On All The Time?

It seems to be a common belief among men that nice guys always get dumped on by their female friends, or by women in general. Is that really true, or is there something more to this than meets the eye?

I recently got the following e-mail from a man who has this problem of always being called a nice guy, but he can't find a woman who is attracted to him:

...I helped a female work colleague get a higher professional qualification. During this time we became great friends, but sadly, nothing more. She then went through the worst year of her life (death of a parent, changing jobs, theft, car problems, boss problems, etc). I became a shoulder to cry on and gave lots of love and emotional support. Things turned out well for her. She got promoted to her dream job in the same area, and I helped her find a new apartment, lent her money for the deposit, and then spent a week of my holidays helping her to do up the apartment. Gradually, over a period of about a month, she distanced herself from me. Later I found out that she had a boyfriend. I unwittingly set up her apartment for her and her boyfriend. I kinda quizzed her about her boyfriend, in which she got a little angry with me and told me it wasn't really any of my business. Since then our friendship drifted apart....

This is a typical story from nice guys who think they get dumped on. They think that if they do these nice things for her, she will then think of him as more than just a friend. Typical.

What, you don't do nice things for your male friends? Shouldn't it be the same when doing nice things for women? Many women have angrily commented that their male friends would do nice things for them because they had another agenda in mind. Okay, now is that being a friend to her?

The man who posted that apparently thought that she would be so grateful for his help that she would rush into his arms. Nearly all the time it doesn't turn out that way, because nearly all men are like this man, not telling her how he feels about her. They then instead go, Boo, hoo! Nice guys always finish last! They should make it clear at the get go, rather than harboring these expectations, which have now turned into resentments. Guys like these have only themselves to blame.

Don't categorize the "users" with the women just wanting to be friends because the friends aren't attracted to you in that way. You can easily distinguish between the two. Though it's not clear if this man's "friend" was a user or she was just mad at him because of the way he acted, and all she thought they were were just friends; that he was doing these things for her because that's what friends do for one another.

Many women get pissed off at their male friend who acts jealous / like a baby when she doesn't show more than just a friendship to him, and / or she is dating men other than him.

Here is a collection of statements from women on why nice guys quite often do get left out in the cold (Keeping in mind that women want a nice guy, but not if he is TOO nice; wishy washy.):
  • If all you have is one failed relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

    (This does make sense. After all, if you do keep having failed relationships, or dates that don't go past that first or second meeting, maybe you should be looking at yourself. Many men pick beautiful women who have nothing going for them but their looks, but these guys expect more from her, like being nice and thoughtful, when all she has going for her is...JUST her looks.)
  • The biggest problem is that most nice guys are insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they will do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simple pleasure of giving. Many times I don't know if a nice guy really likes me for who I am, or if he has attached himself to me because I paid him some kind of attention. I want a nice guy, but not like this!
  • There are women out there who zero in on nice guys to take advantage of them. "Users" stroke a nice guy's ego, takes him for a ride, adds a notch to their belts, and then moves on to the next guy. Then these nice guys complain about women being so horrible.
  • Nice guys go overboard. They bring flowers to a "let's get together" coffee date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They laugh at her jokes that aren't even funny. They hang on to every word with such zealousness. I want a guy to listen to me, but relax about it, will ya!
  • They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs to jump on mine.
  • More than loving the woman in his life, a nice guy NEEDS her. "She is my life, my only source of happiness..." He is too clingy, he doesn't have a life of his own.
  • Nice guys quite often help women who are losers, they have neurosis and personality problems. These guys think that by "helping" these women, it will make him a better, more loveable person. She will appreciate and love him. Then when she turns around and treats him like shit, he then says: "This is what I get for being a nice guy!"
  • They start out being our friends, and then, overtime, they think we owe them something more than friendship, just because we are of the opposite sex.
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