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The Dating Box
by Devlyn Steele
Weather you are actively dating or just getting back into dating, it is a world full of possibilities. However, most of us are creatures of habit and our patterns keep us in a dating box, searching for and dating the same types over and over.
Making contact online, you first have to find people that interest you by searching the dating website's membership. Online the dating box is literal, as you have to fill in web forms to find potential dates. Most dating sites give you two ways to search - quick or advanced. Quick searches are just that - they're small web forms that let you search based on just a few criteria, like location or age. Advanced searches are larger web forms that let you search using lots of more specific criteria, like hair color, eye color, education, body type and more.
Just remember that the more criteria that you use for your searches, the fewer results you'll get. Searches are unforgiving - they'll return exactly what you ask for. We call them "harsh numbers". When you choose an age range of, let's say, 30-39, the person who just turned 40 will not show up in the search results. If you want to find someone with light brown hair, those great dark brown haired people.like me.will be cast aside.
Also, many sites let you use keywords as part of the search criteria. This allows a search for words in a member's profile that match your areas of interest. You can search specifically for words like "tennis", "skiing", or something else. This lets you be super-specific if you wish.
Although you want to find someone that attracts you and that you share things in common, don't limit yourself to what you think is "your type".
After all, the "type" that you have gone for in the past might have not worked out. Think "outside your box". What we often think is "our type" is the same person we have been chasing unsuccessfully, through one bad relationship after another, our whole life. Even if your type was a successful relationship in the past, you cannot repeat a relationship you once had with someone new. Unless you date outside your box you will never know if maybe someone different just might be your "type."
When going over your wants, there is the numbers trap that we need to watch out for as well. Offline we often use the expression, "numbers don't lie."
However the new culture of online dating, numbers often do lie.
For instance the harsh numbers of weight, height and age when in black and white may make a person appear unattractive to you online, who you would find very attractive offline.
When we meet people in person we don't say,
How old are you?
How much do you weigh?
How tall are you?
How much money do you make?
In person someone may carry his or her height, weight or age off in a very attractive manner. But when you look at the numbers online you think too old, too heavy, too short, too tall etc and that simply may not be the case. You have the right to want what you want, but I tell you this so that you can allow yourself to look past the numbers and be more open.
If you're not finding people that fit, try expanding your horizons. You are not making any long-term commitment when meeting people, so be open and meet more people and who you fall for might surprise you. So get out of your dating box and don't restrict yourself. Allow the incredible opportunity of online dating to work for you. Contact and meet a lot of people and leave yourself open to the possibilities.
Devlyn Steele ("America's Leading Life-Coach") has been a public consultant and a private counselor for over 15 years. A Cognitive Therapist, Radio host and Columnist, Devlyn maintains a thriving practice in Hollywood, where he counsels famous actors, musicians and captains of industry. His new book, Relationship Tools, will be available soon. You can hear Coach Steele live every Tuesday on LoveBeat Radio 1310 KXAM.com 7-9 PM. Arizona Time. Visit his website today.
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